Resistance Is Futile

For as long as I can remember, I have had an undercurrent of pain that flows wide and deep through my life. Sometimes it flows swift and hard, other times it softly meanders – but it is always there. I have hated it, loved it, sat in it, avoided it, embraced it, controlled it, identified myself as it, distracted myself from it, judged myself for it, used it, agreed with it, argued with it, resisted it . . . suffered it. This is a very specific pain – it is the pain of feeling separate from God, from Life, from Soul, from Self, from Love. And that feeling of separation begs the question over and over again, “What is wrong with me that I can’t feel God?” And as much as I know better than to be convinced that I am separate from God – I do get convinced. And no matter what technique or strategy I use, the pain of separation endures. At times it is acute and demanding but most of the time it is simply managed into a kind of dull, dry, cynical disappointment that seeps into all areas of my life. It ain’t pretty. And of course the defense of cynicism eventually crumbles because it is so far from the truth of who I am and once that happens, I am left with the heartbreak of my imagined separation.

This pain has guided my life, demanding that I seek beyond my limitations to what is real and true and abiding. It has driven my internal awakenings and focused my service to humanity. I’m like a dog with a bone in my quest for divine embodiment. And I have also rabidly tried to rid myself of this pesky and often debilitating pain – to no avail.

During a recent bout of being painfully convinced of my separation, wondering what’s wrong with me and having dropped into my disappointed and cynical defense, I sat down to meditate. My inner teacher had a lot to say: “Resistance is futile! Pain is an unavoidable part of this human experience! You will never be without some degree of pain! Freedom lies NOT in being pain-free, rather it lies in your loving and compassionate acceptance of your pain! Stop resisting, strategizing, avoiding, plotting, planning, managing – it’s just pain. Stop trying to figure out what is wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a human being. You are a divine expression of God – even your pain is part of that expression. There is nothing that is not God, NOTHING! So . . . Please, stop . . . Please, stop . . . Please, stop.”

In this particular moment, I have stopped. Full-stop; which I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced quite like this. Pain IS. Just that. Pain IS. As I look inside now, my pain is swaddled in a blanket of golden light. There are many pockets of pain, each swaddled in this light. It’s a galaxy of golden stars. It’s quiet and spacious and I feel a boundless sense of freedom and unquestionable peace.

Resistance is not only futile, it is suffocating – it can pull the vitality out of your life and set you on an unrelenting descent into animosity and ambivalence toward your most precious gift – this life. Letting go of resistance – neither pushing the pain away nor pulling it toward, just allowing it to float free – clears the way for unbounded love and opens a dynamic portal to divine embodiment and the full expression of YOU!

cheers, Carol

Written by

Owner at Rhythm of LIfe Studio

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