Usually when we think of bullying, we think about kids being picked on, shoved around, made fun of, criticized, intimidated, humiliated, beat up. There are big campaigns, movements and special anti-bullying days and weeks to educate people and to attempt to stop this behavior. That’s all good.
Self-bullying is a much more pervasive and destructive form of this tendency (and, perhaps, from where bullying others is initiated). The way we talk to ourselves and how we treat ourselves is oftentimes, horrendous. We become our own tyrant, oppressor, harasser and all-around tormentor. Sound familiar?
I have created a “bully-free zone” within myself, a place to practice non-violence – and it is certainly an ongoing practice. I’m attempting to rest into what is, letting go of demanding, on even the most subtle levels, that I be something or someone other than who I am. What I’ve noticed is that when I’m feeling aggressive or hostile, in any way (toward myself, life, someone else), my system goes on alert: “Warning! Warning! Incoming! Shields up! She’s in a mood! Red Alert!” I can feel my whole mind/body system tense up in readiness for the possible assault coming its way. Heartbreaking – a lifetime, I suppose, of unconscious brutality.
The good news – I have become more conscious and can now tune-in to my body/mind system, catch it going into red-alert, step back, take a breath, open my heart and stop – stop and get conscious of the potential for violence before it can begin. I often put my hands over my heart and say, “I love you, right now, no matter what, I always love you.” I keep breathing and loving and being who I am. Everything calms down and peace abides. It’s pretty amazing – give it a try next time you are aware of your inner bully – see if you can stop the violence before it begins.
There are many, many levels of this inclination to demean our own nature – from exasperation, to coercion, to disappointment, to manipulation . . . to bullying. Some of these internal tendencies are very, very subtle. Self-bullying is the easiest one to get hold of because it is the least subtle, the easiest to recognize. It’s a good place to start – from there we can refine our inquiry and become less and less violent to ourselves, in our lives and with others.
To Your Body, Carol
A subscriber emailed this poem to me after reading this blog. Quite beautiful
Late Fragment
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
Raymond Clevie Carver